"Deliver me from everything that prevents me from finding DELIGHT in thee."
My dear friend: I know how hard it is to reach out to God during tough times. You’re definitely not alone in this, and I’ve been going through a very similar season. Maybe I’m not allowed to say so, but such times of “prayer-aversion” happen to all of us.
Because 1) We’re not sure it’s working, 2) it can feel ridiculous to talk with an invisible God, 3) tangible friends feel more real, and 4) we feel like maybe God caused the stress in the first place. I think we need to be honest about those reasons.
But mostly, it could just be that we don’t know how to reach Him.
You don’t need eloquent prayer vocabulary to reach Him.
You don’t need to set aside 8:30 to 9:00 with a checklist and a devotional and the latest Hillsong album.
You don’t need to force your emotions with images of angels and clouds and thrones and halo Jesus.
If all those help, then awesome and please go for it. I don’t mean to belittle what you might have learned in church, because it can help some of us. But as for me, when I’m stressed, I pretty much vent and scream and yell out to God. I yell at Him and with Him. He can handle it; He’s God. If this sounds blasphemous, look no further than the Psalms or Jeremiah or Isaiah or most of the Old Testament. Whenever these Bible “heroes” didn’t feel God, they straight up told God, “I don’t feel you.” They were almost embarrassingly honest.
You know how you think you failed? This is the exact moment that God can roll in and restore. The truth is that we all fail at some point to truly rely on God. Whether it’s in the first five minutes of prayer or in the middle of a holy moment or when you try to carry out what He envisions: we all get distracted and tempted and carried away. He doesn’t want that for you, but when it does happen, you can still go to Him, right then. He is the door who is always open for your knocking, seeking, and asking, for your venting, frustrations, and stressful seasons. The very thing you’re feeling right now is the very reason Jesus went to the cross, to die for all the ways we have failed. It’s never too late to embrace this grace. That’s why it’s grace.
I plead with you to try again. God has grace even for our messy, horrid stumbling, for all the try-agains. The true friend always receives you back to hear your heart, no matter how far or long you’ve been gone, and Jesus is the truest friend. I promise, He will love you, over and over, into the truest you.